Greetings, I am an American Political Pundit Man, and I am here to judge President Joe Biden’s performance at Thursday night’s NATO press conference and let you know whether the incumbent president should be allowed to continue his run for reelection.
Since Biden’s disastrous presidential debate performance, I and my colleagues in the League of Punditry have determined unequivocally that Joe must go. That is because we are accurately and unfailingly able to predict the future and we are also eager to get down to the business of explaining why whoever might replace Biden is also very bad.
But, because we are kind and merciful, we gave Biden one final press conference to prove himself worthy.
Pundits displeased Biden refused to be absolutely terrible
To our dismay, it went pretty well. He answered complex foreign-policy questions intelligently, responded quickly and stubbornly continued to be alive throughout the event. He had some verbal gaffes – accidentally calling Vice President Kamala Harris “Vice President Trump” after earlier in the day calling Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy “President Putin” – but he had a clear handle on the issues at a depth his opponent could never achieve.
And Trump has messed up names more times than we can count. Not that we would call on him to step down if he did. That would be boring.
Trump’s Florida rally:I can’t wait for all of the media coverage of Trump’s confusing Tuesday night rally
Biden performed well overall in his press conference
During Thursday night’s long press conference, Biden said: “Name me a world leader who wouldn’t want to trade places with our economy. … Things are moving. We’ve got more to go. Working-class people still need help. Corporate greed is still at large.”
He added: “I’m not in this for my legacy. I’m in this to complete the job I started.”
Biden? Harris?I don’t care. Stopping Trump and Project 2025 is all that matters.
We, the pundits, will allow Biden to continue … but first, some more tests
Fine, President Biden. We, the extremely important and knowledgeable pundits of America, will allow you to continue. But if you want us to stop calling for you to step aside, you’re going to have to pass the following additional tests:
- Do another prime-time, no-holds-barred press conference, but you must answer the questions while juggling. It would be unfair for the American voters to not know whether they are voting for an 81-year-old Democrat who is unable to answer questions intelligently AND juggle. From your opponent, former President Donald Trump, we will demand he do no formal press conferences and we’ll ignore the fact that he rarely makes any sense at all.
- Because physical challenges are crucial, we will demand that the president appear before The New York Times editorial board to do no fewer than 100 pushups. Anything less is disqualifying and will require us to call for a new candidate, preferably someone with impressive pectoral strength.
- While the president’s press conference performance aided his claim that the presidential debate was “one bad night,” we feel it crucial that he take at least one hot-pepper challenge, consuming at least five ghost peppers before a live national audience. He will also need to commit at least 10 felonies without a water break. And to be fair, we will insist former President Trump successfully stand without falling for three minutes.
- Finally, President Biden, you must survive a climb up Colorado’s Pikes Peak, followed by a successful journey through what we’re calling “The Ring of Hellfire.”
Only then will we, the proud pundits of America, declare you fit to be the Democratic Party’s presidential nominee.
Please don’t disappoint us by succeeding.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
