By Erin Reed | MISSOULA, MT. – The holidays can be particularly challenging for transgender individuals. Families often take time to “get it,” and during this period, most transgender people simply want to be treated like any other family member, with their names and pronouns respected, and their identities not becoming the “controversial dinner table topic” during what should be a joyous time.
For those without accepting families, the situation can be even more daunting. Many transgender individuals face difficult decisions, such as dressing in a gender that does not align with their identity or using the wrong name, just to be allowed at the dinner table. Bearing this in mind, I wish to share insights and tips aimed at both transgender and cisgender individuals who want to ensure the holidays are memorable for the right reasons.
For Trans People
I understand more than most the difficulty of dealing with family during the holiday season. My own family has never been very accepting. This year, the holidays are even more challenging, as we are in the midst of one of the most significant assaults on our ability to live and exist publicly and safely in recent history. While each transgender person’s experience is unique, I want to address a few common concerns that have been brought to me for advice, and share what I believe are the best ways to handle these issues.
Family has a broad meaning. Before delving into the practicalities of holiday gatherings, it’s crucial to define what “family” truly means. For numerous queer and trans individuals, family extends beyond biological ties to include those we find in our community. This family consists of people who support us in tough times and those we care for when no one else does. As you decide how and where to spend the holidays, remember that you have agency in this choice. Often, the most significant family members are not those related by blood who may reject us, but rather those we’ve found in the margins and embraced as our own. Celebrating the holidays with your chosen family can transform the occasion into one of the most magical and joyous experiences.
Find the supportive family members when traveling. If you’re fortunate enough to have an entirely supportive family, that’s fantastic! Enjoy the festivities, even if the “overly supportive family member” can sometimes be a bit much (I’ll offer some tips to those folks later in the guide). However, for many in our community who face a lack of support from family, finding a safe, friendly, and accepting relative can be invaluable. Often, family attitudes towards gender identity are not uniform. This is something I’ve experienced personally. If you can identify such a family member, try to spend time with them. During challenging moments, suggest they join you for various activities – a walk, playing a video game, or even a quick trip to the store. These family members can be true lifesavers.
Show grace, but advocate for yourself. In today’s time, cisgender people and especially cisgender family often struggle with things that come very simply to trans people. Names, pronouns, probing questions, and struggling with boundaries is already common enough in many trans people’s day-to-day lives. This all magnifies around family. Keeping this in mind, practice discernment when it comes to navigating the questions and missteps. We truly can move the needle on trans acceptance for so many people if we can help them understand. I remember one family member, when I came out, said “it’s just really hard” every time they used a different name or pronoun. I responded to them, “It’s good that it’s hard. That means you’re trying. Thank you for trying.” This family member has since used my name and pronouns in many situations.
That said, there is a difference between helping someone who wants to understand and someone who refuses to. If a family member consistently uses your old name and shows no intention of learning or respecting a fundamental aspect of who you are, you shouldn’t subject yourself to an abusive environment in pursuit of an idealized family holiday. Assert your identity confidently and don’t hesitate to correct family members who use the wrong name or pronouns for you.
Be safe and communicate your safety concerns. One of the most common questions I get from trans people is how to tell their family of their inability to visit due to restrictive laws in certain states. For cisgender people, this concern might seem distant, but for transgender individuals, the impact of these legal challenges is a constant reality. States like Florida, Texas, Kansas, and Tennessee have enacted numerous laws that can significantly affect transgender individuals participating in everyday activities. For instance, Florida’s criminal bathroom ban can make the idea of visiting even supportive family members in such states a daunting prospect. It’s essential to prioritize your safety and clearly communicate the precautions you need to take when visiting a state with laws that could potentially target you for activities as basic as using a bathroom.
If you are not out… It’s important to find a private space where you can express your true self. Join your favorite affirming Discord server or keep phone numbers of trusted individuals who know and understand your real identity. Consider wearing an item of clothing feels affirming, like a necklace, a bracelet hidden under a long-sleeved shirt, or even a special pair of socks. Remember, it’s entirely normal for dysphoria to intensify during family gatherings. Plan for recovery time afterward, where you can spend time with people you’re out to and focus on your wellbeing.
For Family
Family members who strive to support their transgender relatives or friends play a crucial role. If you’re committed to being that supportive figure, know that your efforts are deeply appreciated by many trans individuals who lack such support. Importantly, your active acceptance can be life-saving. Studies show that family acceptance is linked to a significant reduction in suicidality risks, halving them for those with accepting family members. Bearing this in mind, let’s explore how you can help make the holidays more comfortable and enjoyable for your transgender family members.
Be the person they can turn to. Even with your support, transgender individuals may encounter a range of reactions from other family members regarding their transition during the holidays. This can create significant stress. Be accessible to them and communicate that they can always turn to you if they need someone to talk to. Offer them an “out,” a way to spend private time with you if they ever feel the need. Reassure them that they can always rely on your support.
Invite their queer and trans friends. This is important for so many reasons. Nearly every transgender person knows friends who won’t be welcomed by their families this holiday season. Your transgender family members might hesitate to invite their queer and trans friends, uncertain about the family’s readiness to provide both physical space and an accepting environment. Make it clear to them that your family is open to supporting not just them, but also their friends. This gesture also offers the added benefit of allowing transgender or queer individuals to feel that there are others present who genuinely understand their experiences.
Help alleviate their safety concerns in public spaces. Often over the holidays, families will go out to local events, restaurants, movie theaters, and more. Practically, transgender people often have to plan out public outings, especially in places where acceptance may be lacking or where people might even be openly hostile. If your trans family members express discomfort about bathrooms or other public spaces, let them know you’ll accompany them if they need it.
Just love and treat them like any other family member. While their transition may be the biggest change you’ve seen in their life recently, know that often, trans people feel much more free to explore so many other things they love after transition. You’ll hear most say that “transition is the least interesting thing about me.” While it is important to do the basic things like getting their name and pronouns right, don’t make their holiday experience mostly about their transition. Instead, allow them to thrive and share all of the things they love with you.
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I hope that these tips will be helpful over the holidays. These times can be very hard, but for many, a good experience can be healing.
And for all of my readers and all of the people who are seeking to make the world a little bit better out there, Zooey and I wish all of you the happiest of holidays.
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Erin Reed is a transgender woman (she/her pronouns) and researcher who tracks anti-LGBTQ+ legislation around the world and helps people become better advocates for their queer family, friends, colleagues, and community. Reed also is a social media consultant and public speaker.
Follow her on Twitter (Link)
Website here: https://www.erininthemorning.com/
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The preceding article was first published at Erin In The Morning and is republished with permission.