If you’re still hanging on to your X (formerly Twitter) account, you already know that the platform’s viral hit of the week — besides memes about Drew Barrymore and Bill Maher restarting production on their TV shows — is an EBay auction.
The online bidding behemoth is the place to be on the internet right now thanks to a benefit put on by the Union Solidarity Coalition, founded earlier this year to support crew members who’ve lost health insurance during the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes.
The event, whose net proceeds will go to the organization’s crew healthcare fund, features some unique celebrity experiences — Natasha Lyonne helping you solve the New York Times’ crossword puzzle; Lena Dunham painting a mural in your home — which has inspired plenty of jokes about what fans would really shell out for. (One fake item depicted on social media priced details about the Archie Panjabi/Julianna Margulies feud at nearly $10 million — a bargain to any deep-pocketed “Good Wife” stan.)
And, of course, it has also inspired envy among those of us at The Times who cover culture and probably can’t justify a $3,250 Zoom on the ol’ expense account. So we decided to live vicariously through our writing and selected our most coveted items from the auction instead.
Lunch with Ann Dowd in New York City ($1,125)
“The talent has the right to end the experience at any time, for any reason, with no refund,” reads the disclaimer on the Union Solidarity auction’s $1,125 lunch with Emmy winner Ann Dowd, and I’d pay a premium for that part alone: What TV-obsessed gay man hasn’t imagined being verbally eviscerated by “The Handmaid’s Tale’s” Aunt Lydia or “The Leftovers’” Patti Levin before she storms out of the room in a fury? A close second would be a three-martini gab fest with one of our most compelling actors at some posh place to see and be seen in New York. I guess I better start saving up. It’s unclear from the listing who’s picking up the check. —Matt Brennan
20 Questions / 20 Minutes Zoom with Sarah Silverman ($1,525)
I would pay $1,500 for 20 questions with Sarah Silverman but only if she asks the questions and signs an NDA swearing she will never utter my name in public. (Just look at what she did to poor Joe Franklin in “The Aristocrats.”) She can ask about anything — my personal life, deepest secrets, darkest fantasies and greatest fears — and she is allowed, nay encouraged, to react to my answers with brutal honesty. I’m not big on therapy personally, but this would feel cathartic and cleansing, because it would also be a roast. Defame me Sarah, but just for 20 minutes. —Boris Kachka
‘The Bear’ apron signed by Jeremy Allen White, Ayo Edebiri and more ($1,525)
I would drop $2,000 on “The Bear’s” signed apron because in my own life I believe I embody the spirit of a troubled son who leaves his hometown to launch his career and escape his even-more-troubled family. It would be a great conversation starter to bring when I do visit my relatives and cook for them. Wearing this apron while I scream at them not to interrupt me in the kitchen would be very healing. —Georgia Geen
Zoom with the cast of ‘New Girl’ ($3,226)
NYICK! You’re on mute.
Few things make me groan faster than a colleague or my mother suggesting we “hop on a quick Zoom.” The one silver lining of a work Zoom? They pay me to be there (and I don’t have to wear pants). So paying to Zoom seems insane — unless I’m parting with my paycheck for digital face-time with Jess, Nick, Winston, Schmidt and Cece. I’ll never be able to down a pint at the Griffin while listening to Maná, but at least I can ask Nick Miller for notes on my zombie novel. As a bonus, I’ve wanted to give some L.A. City Council members a piece of my mind about a few things (I can think of a few), and it looks like Fawn Moscato herself will also be there. In Nick Miller’s words: “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.” Nor do I lack the common sense not to shell out at least $5,000 to video conference with my tribe. Z is for Zombie — and Zoom. —Nicholas Ducassi
Watercolor portrait of your dog by John Lithgow ($4,050)
There are few things I love more than my dog, Sailor. Is John Lithgow one of them? Insert your own pregnant pause there. Ponder the horrible truth. The notion that the much-honored actor (immortally of “Footloose” for me) would, in a year’s time, craft a private watercolor of my 3-year-old Frenchie, a handsome brindle with plenty of attitude, makes me want to break out my checkbook. The current bid is well over my limit. But if money were no object, I’d insist on a term of my own: Lithgow must paint while in character, preferably Dr. Emilio Lizardo of “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.” Laugh while you can, monkey boy! —Joshua Rothkopf
